You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
