I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
