I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
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you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
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i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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