i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
