god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
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I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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