how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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