They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
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Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
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They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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