I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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