This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
