just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
