I wish you could order shots online.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
