but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We are all done wearing pants today
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
