my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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