I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
