WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
