my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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