My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
