dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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