her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
