i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
