White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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