two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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