look no pants
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
