You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
