oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
