My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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