I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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