we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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