omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
nutella sex= disaster
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
