What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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