I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
