Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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