One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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