11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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