Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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