I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
