Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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