all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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