if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
