i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
