she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
