I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
