I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
