I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
