I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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