don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
