I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
