Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
