Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
