my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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