dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
