I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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