My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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