I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
