Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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