Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I could make wine with my vomit
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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