made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
