some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
