1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
