upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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