RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
