I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Where are you guys?
Drunk
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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