If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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