seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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